Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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