apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
