This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
