The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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