Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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