The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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