i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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