he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize