Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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