The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
