Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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