i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
