I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
