Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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