I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
