dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
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