Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
