Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
