i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
