You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
