You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
