did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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