Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
