if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
