when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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