What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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