Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
