So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
