I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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