saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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