don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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