The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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