Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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