She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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