I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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