You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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