allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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