Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
