I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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