She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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