Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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