trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
