You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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