I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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