Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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