i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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