You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
