Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
