okay pat passed out under dana's car
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
