hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
