just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
