So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Houston, we have a squirter
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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